there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
