last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
