If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
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