I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
