Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
