update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
