An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
