Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Use "feeling words"
Yay
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
