If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
