I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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