I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
