He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
