he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
