Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
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