DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
