he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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