Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Randomize
