We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Be still, my beating vagina.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
