I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
