my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Randomize
