Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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