In the future we'll all be gay
I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
