I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
