Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
