I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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