Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
