apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The police scanner is talking about you again....
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
