Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Randomize
