We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
