I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
