Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
