i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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