should my penis look like a turkey
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
