You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
