if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
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