Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
