i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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