My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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