I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I understand Curling. That high.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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