I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
