I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
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