the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
