false alarm. still invincible.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
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