The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
3pm strippers are depressing
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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