Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
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