you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Im part way to drunk.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
