her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
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