Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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