I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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