I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
