I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
