you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Randomize
