Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
