I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Randomize
